<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>CMBYN SERIES 1: HURT by BLUEFICTION2</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28275201">CMBYN SERIES 1: HURT</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BLUEFICTION2/pseuds/BLUEFICTION2'>BLUEFICTION2</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:02:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28275201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BLUEFICTION2/pseuds/BLUEFICTION2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the first of all my fiction (a series of vignettes), if you wish to read from the beginning (because these are sequential), this is the place to start.</p>
<p>This series picks up right after the movie Call Me By Your Name left off. It speaks of heartache on both sides of the ocean. And of hope.<br/>_____</p>
<p>■ HURT series 1 - 5  <br/>■ 1. Christmas <br/>■ 2. Bubble <br/>■ 3. Bergamo Dreams <br/>■ 4. Eternal Spring <br/>■ 5. Tell Me <br/>_____</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Oliver/Elio Perlman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>CMBYN SERIES 1: HURT</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>HURT Part 1 - Christmas 1983</p>
<p>_____<br/>
___</p>
<p>■ 1. Christmas<br/>
___<br/>
_____</p>
<p>● Elio:<br/>
____</p>
<p>Did you immediately screw your girlfriend when you got home?</p>
<p>Did it assuage your guilt from taking advantage of your basic instincts; from fornicating with someone you had no business being with?</p>
<p>Did it cleanse your soul; this baptism of sorts?</p>
<p>Or did you remember taking me? Of how you wrapped your lips around me and tasted peaches?</p>
<p>Will peaches ever taste the same again, or will you taste me in every bite you take? (And perhaps remember me)</p>
<p>You say you remember everything.</p>
<p>But how will you remember it?</p>
<p>Will the 'shame of it all' -- erase the feelings you had?</p>
<p>It was real to me, but to you it will always be part of a dream.</p>
<p>A dream from a distant place where anything was possible, but the posibility of it becoming real, frightened the hell out of you. </p>
<p>Your phone call was a kick in the gut.</p>
<p>"You never said".  (That you had another life and that I was the "other woman".)</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>You still live in my old bedroom. I open the door and there you are, sitting on my bed with a big smile on your face. I smile too. It's infectious, this smiling.</p>
<p>It makes my heart race thinking about crawling up your body to lick your lips before kissing my way all the way back down your chest to tease your navel with my tongue.</p>
<p>I imagine you're naked, I'm naked too. Or were we always naked?</p>
<p>I think we're always naked -- here in my room.</p>
<p>(Marzia doesn't come in here anymore; she hasn't been around since I got home.)</p>
<p>I think of you - when I touch myself. Will think of you for a long time.</p>
<p>And I wonder when I'll stop seeing you here in my bed. </p>
<p>I can't wait for summer to end! Then I can go home to a room without you in it and wait an eternity to return in the winter.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>Cold snow crunching beneath my feet and an even colder reception when your call comes and shatters my world (that had finally glued itself together).</p>
<p>I didn't see it coming; this blast of frigid air through the telephone line.</p>
<p>You said your name; breathed it really, so I twitched at the timber of your voice that had just shattered my soul.</p>
<p>I believed my dad's speech; took heart that what we had was something that was so rare that it had to be cherished for all time.</p>
<p>And you broke it. Mangled the shit out of what was beautiful.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>I reach for the covers where at the end of the bed, drapes your denim shirt. I wear it often -- and imagine your scent is still on the soft fabric.</p>
<p>I'll probably be thirty and still wearing your shirt. I love that you gave it to me.</p>
<p>Mafalda irons it knowing it is mine. She doesn't say your name around me but makes sure it's put there because it was yours and she loves me.</p>
<p>My parents would welcome you back with hugs and pats on the back.</p>
<p>So would I -- I think.</p>
<p>Mafalda would stick a knife into your heart before you ever noticed it was there.</p>
<p>The thought is somehow frightening and yet comforting that she cares.</p>
<p>I button your shirt, pull up the covers, and take my time stroking myself.</p>
<p>I fall asleep with you coating my palm and dream of kissing your mouth and tasting peaches.</p>
<p>__<br/>
__</p>
<p>■ Fin - HURT 1. Christmas<br/>
__<br/>
__</p>
<p><br/>
HURT Part 2 - Bubble</p>
<p><br/>
_____<br/>
___</p>
<p>■ 2. Bubble<br/>
___<br/>
_____</p>
<p>● Oliver:<br/>
_____</p>
<p>He is fearless.</p>
<p>I continue to bait him and he never backs down.</p>
<p>I don't know why I do it. (Yes I do.)</p>
<p>You see I can't seem to help myself.  I want to see him punch back.</p>
<p>He does it with words, with actions and with music.</p>
<p>He's a God-damned-genius. I'm sure he knows it -- how could he not?</p>
<p>But he's led a charmed life. No one to challenge his desires. The man he's become.</p>
<p>No one trying to change the arc of his destiny... I know this from experience.</p>
<p>He can do anything -- become anything -- he fucking wants in that safe bubble that surrounds him.  </p>
<p>I envy that bubble. But it's not a world based in reality. His bubble has no disapproval, demands, hate or shunning.</p>
<p>Where I'm being pragmatic, his idealism will hurt him (and I don't want him to be hurt).</p>
<p>I'm doing it for his own good.</p>
<p>Fuck! I can't lie about this. I'm doing it for me. It's killing me too.</p>
<p>He means something to me, I can admit that. So why am I leaving?</p>
<p>He didn't understand what we had had a time limit on it. An expiration date.</p>
<p>Sure he knew I was leaving but he let himself believe in the fantasy, that it could change. Maybe I'm guilty of that too. I was sucked in as deep as he was.</p>
<p>It was mostly my fault -- although he would deny it. I think I do things like that just so he'll forgive me. (Will he ever forgive me for this?)</p>
<p>He's the only one I can be myself with, and yet I lied.<br/>
 <br/>
I can be a shit that way. I know he's going to hate me.</p>
<p>I lied. I've been lying to him all along.</p>
<p>"Do you mind?" Tells me that he still matters to me... is still a part of me.</p>
<p>I date women, he knows that. I fuck them too; something he's forgotten in his love-struck haze.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>The girl back in the States that I've omitted from every conversation we've had since I got here.</p>
<p>The girl I'm going back to. </p>
<p>__<br/>
__</p>
<p>■ Fin - HURT 2. Bubble   <br/>
__<br/>
__</p>
<p> </p>
<p>HURT Part 3 - Bergamo Dreams</p>
<p>_____<br/>
___</p>
<p>■ 3.  Bergamo Dreams  <br/>
___<br/>
_____</p>
<p>● Oliver:<br/>
_____</p>
<p>I watched you sleeping, that last night we were together.</p>
<p>You mumbled something I couldn't catch and wondered what you were dreaming.</p>
<p>I hoped it was about us. You reached out for me as I sat beside you on the bed.</p>
<p>It took away my melancholy to hold you in my arms as you wrapped your body around mine (even half asleep you wanted me).</p>
<p>I quickly moved to slide my naked body over yours.</p>
<p>"Fuck me."  Did you say it or did I?</p>
<p>I felt at home within your body. Your warmth encompassed me.</p>
<p>"Elio, Elio, Elio."  You chanted your name as I breathed mine. "Ol-iv-er -"</p>
<p>Your mouth ate my words as our bodies fused.</p>
<p>You took my breath into your mouth, repeating your name back to me.</p>
<p>I tried to ignore the tears running down your face but they only compelled me to softly lick them away.</p>
<p>You tasted of salt and of hope that I would change my mind and stay.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>"Please, please come back." Your dad said to me.</p>
<p>I joked that I was just, "Going home to pack. I'm moving here."</p>
<p>Where did that come from?</p>
<p>A polite rebuttal to, "Sorry to see you go"? (I wanted to mean it.)</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>"Elio, Elio, Elio."</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>I wake up suddenly to look at the woman beside me.</p>
<p>My heart's beating a mile a minute, terrified I'd said something in my sleep.</p>
<p>I'm forever thankful that I'd never breathed YOUR name in the height to passion.</p>
<p>That I hear it now, in my dreams is, well, disconcerting. And I'm hard.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>That last morning you woke me with kisses.</p>
<p>To regain some semblance of control, I flipped you over to lie on your back; held you down by the shoulders to gaze into your eyes.</p>
<p>"Ol-iv-er." I dragged my name out (as if in doing so would freeze time).</p>
<p>You didn't say your name back, only rocked your hips up, feeling the friction.</p>
<p>I kissed you, this time sighing as I breathed my name into your mouth.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>"Honey"?</p>
<p>"Go back to sleep, it's early."</p>
<p>She touched me. </p>
<p>I carefully moved her hand away, recalling a firmer hand that boldly cupped my genitals, smirking and asking if I was offended. I was so hard that day that I wanted to fuck you right there on the berm.</p>
<p>She turned with her back to me and I spooned her newly pregnant body as she fell back to sleep.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>I buttoned your shirt, correction my shirt -- it will always be my shirt -- the morning I met the train.</p>
<p>I felt like I was dressing a child; you were so worn out from crying and the urgent, frenzied coupling that you were almost limp in my arms.</p>
<p>Obsessed with my passport, you asked about it again at the station.</p>
<p>But when we hugged goodbye, you were dry eyed and stoic, something I knew was all for my benefit.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>And then your father sent me a promotional flyer for your concert.</p>
<p>I could hear you playing in my mind; reminding me of -- fuck!</p>
<p>You played so beautifully it took my breath away.</p>
<p>I was right -- you are a fucking genius.</p>
<p>I wanted to be there. I'd been there if I could.</p>
<p>(Maybe there's a recording somewhere.) </p>
<p>I wish I had a copy of the Bach variations from so long ago -- you were brilliant even then.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>"Play that again."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"That thing you played outside."</p>
<p>You were baiting me and showing off at the same time.</p>
<p>It was a musical dance of seduction; and I was a willing party.</p>
<p>I stomped out of the room only to return when you played the original version.</p>
<p>You were smug that time but I was so moved by the music that I let it go.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>This was much harder to let go.</p>
<p>But there was no other option.</p>
<p>It was a summer romance, never to be spoken of again.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>Maybe some day I can be there, sitting in the audience, in person, and I'll surprise you with an armful of red roses. Cor cordium.</p>
<p>Someday --</p>
<p>If I'm honest with myself, it never really went away.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>So why not now? I could buy a ticket and be over there listening to you play.</p>
<p>Many reasons, the first (not to overshadow the rest) would be WHAT NEXT?</p>
<p>I've heard stories of your sullen moods when I wasn't there to hear you play. A big mistake on my part.</p>
<p>I so want to see you do the Elio slide and spin, and hold you like we're the only people on earth.</p>
<p>And I want to see your smile.</p>
<p>__<br/>
__</p>
<p>■ Fin - 3. Bergamo Dreams<br/>
__<br/>
__</p>
<p> </p>
<p>HURT Part 4 - Eternal Spring</p>
<p>_____<br/>
___</p>
<p>■ 4. Eternal Spring<br/>
___<br/>
_____</p>
<p>● Elio:<br/>
____</p>
<p>My parents wonder when I'll turn back into 'Elio', instead of some gothic horror show. I'm exaggerating but it's not far off from the truth. </p>
<p>I'm doing much better now, seeing people, not a boyfriend, but I'm trying to get out.</p>
<p>Student #16 will be here in a few months but I think I'll pass and stay away.</p>
<p>There's tons to do before I head to New England (a stone's throw from you.)</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>Not that I'll be throwing any stones your way.</p>
<p>You'll probably never know I'm there.</p>
<p>I don't think I want to see you. I've moved on. I don't want to meet your family but --</p>
<p>I'll be watching for you.</p>
<p>Just in case.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>I hated that I was so transparent. </p>
<p>That you could read every thought - every emotion that crossed my face.</p>
<p>You knew everything; what I was thinking and everything I've done.</p>
<p>I let you in and you decided to stay - not only in my memories but in my very essence.</p>
<p>You've affected my thoughts, my presence, my very being.  And I don't quite know how to deal with that.</p>
<p>How much of me did you know back then?</p>
<p>What parts did you mine?</p>
<p>Diamonds and coal.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>I fucked Marzia before our "midnight" rendezvous.</p>
<p>Did you know that?</p>
<p>Could you taste her when I kissed you?</p>
<p>Could you?</p>
<p>You didn't say anything. </p>
<p>It probably never crossed your mind. Or did you care, at the time or after?</p>
<p>When I stopped fucking her - did you notice then?</p>
<p>We had cloistered ourselves and barely came up for air.</p>
<p>I was so in love. I told you this whenever I repeated my name. "Elio, Elio, Elio."</p>
<p>You knew that. You knew what I said - what I meant.</p>
<p>You were the one who came up with it. When you breathed your name back to me.</p>
<p>Ol-iv-er.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>Now when you call, it's so formal - you're distant and calculated.</p>
<p>I don't know why you even bother. Really, why do you do it?</p>
<p>It tears open old wounds.  Wounds that barely heal over before your next call.</p>
<p>I've come to expect them; dread them really.</p>
<p>Even though part of me, the masochistic side, revels at the sound of your voice.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>Five months, nine more months, two years, five years.</p>
<p>The timing doesn't matter because I know when I answer the phone (and there's a fraction of a second before you say anything), that it is you.</p>
<p>That pause that tells me the one on the other end of the line is there but choosing his words carefully. I can hear you breathing before you actually speak.</p>
<p>It breaks me every time. I should just hang up, but the pathetic side of me wins and waits for whatever bombshell you're going to drop next.</p>
<p>"Oh you're getting married?" That one had an audience. Thank you for that.</p>
<p>"You'll be a great dad." I was away at school and heard it second hand.</p>
<p>"Another boy!" You were so excited, I tried to be happy for you.</p>
<p>__<br/>
__</p>
<p>■ Fin - 4. Eternal Spring<br/>
__<br/>
__</p>
<p><br/>
HURT Part 5 - Tell me</p>
<p>_____<br/>
___</p>
<p>■ 5. Tell me <br/>
___<br/>
_____</p>
<p>● Elio:<br/>
_____</p>
<p>I audited one of your classes. I liked that I could control that.</p>
<p>The alarmed look on your face before you recognized me told me you still liked boys.</p>
<p>Maybe you were always that way. The hit and run type.</p>
<p>Only in my case you didn't just go home, you left the continent.</p>
<p>I've moved on too. Found others. Loved others. Lost others. And loved again.</p>
<p>It wasn't like I stayed frozen in time -- but somewhere inside me there was a nugget of hope.</p>
<p>Would I have dropped everything if you came back? I don't know.</p>
<p>I really don't.</p>
<p>You tell me. Tell me what's in my heart. Not what's best... but in my heart.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>I need you to see it on my face.</p>
<p>The longing that's inside me needs guidence. A signal, a sign, a beacon.</p>
<p>Be my beacon.</p>
<p>Tell me what my heart desires.</p>
<p>♡</p>
<p>You knew before I did in our summer bubble, knew what was there, what was real.</p>
<p>And now after all the people, obstacles and distances in our lives.</p>
<p>When we meet up again.</p>
<p>Maybe then you could tell me.</p>
<p>Breathe it really. And "call me by your name".</p>
<p>__________</p>
<p>■ Fin - HURT series.    </p>
<p>This is the very first series I wrote for *Call me by your name*. Although each one is a separate series, these stories will continue with more installments, nine in all within this larger CMBYN SERIES.  Next up is CMBYN SERIES 2: BLUE </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>